Pricing that’ll stop your heart.
Our services
Counseling & Planning
You might have been told by your therapist that additional sessions wouldn’t be productive. Some might consider themselves “saving their clients money,” by not answering every call. We respectfully disagree.
You can yell at us however long you would like, about any subject - so long as you sign our engagement agreement.
$300 / Hr.
Assassinations
While your average firm may disagree, our experts believe that the cheapest route to resolving many issues is not litigation, but assassination.
We keep hitpersons on retainer in the event that you feel like solving your problem sooner rather than later.
$20 ,000 Flat Rate Fee
Risk Assessments & Opinions
While you probably shouldn’t do a kickflip on opiates, our standing agreement with local funeral homes dictates that we encourage you to “flip one on the gray, dude.” We aren’t sure if this violates ethics provisions, but we are certain that it’ll be totally radical.
We will also write angry letters from our porch at a flat rate.
$2,500 Flat Rate Fee
Litigation Defense
We can vigorously defend you in court, both professionally and unprofessionally. If retained, we can delay any active litigation for a period of 99 years, ensuring that you live your life carefree while someone threatens to burn our offices down.
Plaintiffs will be billed at a 17,000% rate.
$250 / Hr.